Long Since Dead
by Sutaru-shitsuteru
Summary: Hiei discovers a girls diary, and as he reads it, he itches to meet her. And he does. In Koenma's office, watching her Judgement.
1. Chapter 1

New story, the third. Check out my other two. Rated for depression, cutting, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, suicide, violence and dark themes. The themes are familiar to me.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but Kawatta and the names you don't recognize.

* * *

_Dear...thing, er, ljournal-ish book, _

_I can't imagine what I'm doing. It' really is—was—a stupid idea. I should just throw this away, but something's pounding the words into my head:_

Help is all you need; that and some anti-depressants.

_So, I don't. Throw it away, that is. I never needed someone, -thing, -place to pour my thoughts, because before, I didn't think. Everything was an impulse move. Nothing required musing. Nothing really needed to be thought about. Maybe because if I _did_ think about it, I would have had another solid reason to _eradicate_ my self._

_My English teacher said to use our spelling list sometime this week, well, there you go, Miss Peiji._

_I have insomnia. Probably because I forced it upon my self. I like to stay up late and watch_ Stairway to Heaven_, and_ I Love Lucy_, and_ I Dream of Jeanie_ reruns. Maybe it's because I like to see what perfect looks like. I never even knew what normal was. But I don't feel pity for myself. Never. I live with the fact that I was the one Kami looked down upon and decided,_ "Hmm, the world's too cheery. Someone needs to be fucked up,"_ but I really see no need to waste perfectly good self-pity on my self when I could be desecrating road side temples, or vandalizing the school._

_I have no friends. In fact, it's becoming so hard to convince people that I won't attack if I sit down at their table at lunch that I've taken to just sitting on the floor so I don't have to expend the time I have for lunch posing the good aspects of me to people who are too scared or hateful to hear anything I'm saying._

_That's about it. Except for a few things that I think are too personal, even for a….What_ do_ I call this?_

_This black, leather bound, un-lined book with a lily imprinted on the front I picked up on the ground outside my flat. I decided to keep it, since it was unwritten in._

_So, what, do I give it a name? Do I…call it diary, or journal, or pick out a pretty, pompous title that will sound like this belongs to a Princess, and not a….heh, _Basket Case.

_Guess I'll name it, then. I always liked Nene. It was my sister's name before she died of an OD last year. Now it's my journal's name._

_Oh, yeah. My name is Kawatta Itonamei._

_ Sayonara,_

_ Kawa_

Hiei closed and pocketed the small black book, deciding as he settled down for sleep to read the rest later.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Nene,_

_Back again. I've decided to write down those things I thought were too personal. _

_I cut myself. And, I'm not some psycho-mental case who thinks that if they cut themselves that the internal pain of life and disappointment will be repaired, I just…do it. Every morning, before I'm barely awake, I take a small, hardware blade and make one, shallow, two inch long cuts on each arm. No big deal. No crying, no staring at the blood as if life's secret of misery would be revealed, no traumatic emotional down pour. _

_If you haven't figured it out, I live alone. Okaa-san died, ironically, also from an OD on heroine and dope. Chichi-san left after I was born. That's how I got the jagged cut on my neck. He was a boozy, and had a bad habit of throwing things. He tossed a broken beer bottle at my okaa-san, who, incidentally, was behind my crib. An edge caught my neck, and I almost died at the age of two weeks from blood loss. _

_Enough about those baka mikiris. I really have nothing else to write about. _

_Today, I faced academic embarrassment, if you wanna know. I was sitting in Biology, and we were discussing the effect of alcohol and drugs on one's physique. I was just writing, minding nothing but the text book I doodled in, and the sensei called out my name. I looked up, and he said, " You know all about the effects of hazardous substances, don't you?" _

_I think I'm gonna skip tomorrow. _

_Sayonara,_

_Kawa_

Shaking his head, the koorime folded the page top back and slipped the journal into the dark folds of his cloak. He had started to create a mental image of the girl, Kawa.

He assumed she had long, straight black hair, usual in a simple bun or left down. In his mind, she wasn't very tall, and her dark, olive green eyes were most of the time glazed over in deep, philosophical thought.

" Hiei?" A voice snapped him from his thoughts, and he stared into a pair of identical eyes to his own.

" I'm fine, Yukina-san," he said quickly, leaping off the windowsill. He did not notice the small book falling from his cloak as he walked from Genkai's temple, and Yukina picked it up, fingers tracing over the engravings.


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Nene, _

_I sat on the roof of my apartment complex, wondering why the hell the guy below me was just sitting there as I hit him in the head with peanuts I found in my cabinet. I think I threw a grand total of 84 peanuts—joking, I counted, it was---and it only took me about a half-hour. When I was done, he turned around to stare at me, emerald eyes telling me he thought it was funny or cute. Scared the crap out of me. _

_Didn't go to school today. I just sat at home. I stared at the wall, believe it or not. Then…the door rang at nine thirty. My first thought was go the hell away, and my second was, who would visit me. _

_It…um, it was my chichi-san. A little worse for the wear, and drunk. I was—still am—surprised at how he found his way here after almost eighteen years, but they say dogs have inept sense of direction. _

_I bolted. I couldn't stay. I shoved him aside, and ran. I bowled into people, including the Peanut Man. I didn't care. But, I couldn't find a suitable place to hide, or stay. It seemed like everywhere I went was somewhere he would remember the direction to, and within minutes he'd be there. _

_For some reason, I found my way into the park, but kept running. By this time, I was panting heavily, with no help from the sobs that left my throat hoarse. After a good hour I spent clutching to a tree branch for dear life, I let my self realize he wasn't going to follow. I fell asleep around midnight, still clutching to that tree branch. I still wouldn't go home this morning. Truth be told, which is something that is rare to be found in this sad and sorry world, I was afraid. _

_This man, for he deserves not the title of father, he was the one who declined our quality of life. Everything fell after he left. He killed us. Okaa-san discovered drugs and alcohol, and exposed us to it. Though she is as much to blame as he is. Everyday, Nene and I faced screams and rants and shouts about how we'd turn out like our father, and how we reminded her so much of him that she hated us. I remember slapping her face, a technique highly praised in our household, to wake her up. I remember her slapping our faces. I don't want to remember anymore. _

_I don't want to face him, or my past, or…anything anymore. _

_But I can't off myself just yet. Don't know why, but I can't. I won't. I'm not taking the easy way out. _

_Sayonara,_

_Kawa_


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Nene,_

_When I got back home, he wasn't there. It's kinda hard to explain the feeling I had when I saw that. It was like I could finally breathe. And soon enough, I wasn't able to once more. He had gone out for booze. Here's the part where I seriously thought about offing myself, but I didn't, and, we talked. Here's our conversation:_

_**Him: Well, Kawa, you've grown so much. You're so pretty you could be a stripper. **_

_**Me: A STRIPPER! You fuckin' come home after eighteen years, eighteen wonderful years of a fucked life, and you compliment me by saying I could sell myself to middle aged men whose wives have lost their damn shape!**_

_**Him: Where's Nene, and---**_

_**Me: They died, you fucker. Okaa-san died seven years ago, and Nene followed in her footsteps, three years ago. Tell me you being here could have prevented that.**_

_**Him: Kawa, I was gone, I didn't know. **_

_**Me: Yeah, you probably have another pussy off somewhere, fuckin' up her life by the day. **_

**_Him: KAWATTA! I am your father and you will NOT talk to me that way!_**

_**Me: No, you forfeited your right to be my father years ago, when Nene and I expected birthday cards, or a visit for our first day of school. You gave that up when you gave me this. ( Points to jagged neck cut)**_

_**Him: (Hits me) **_

_And then I left. I grabbed my jacket, and left. He can have that fucking house that I work to provide the rent for, and all the things that are there to remind me of the two most important people in my life. I won't need them anymore. _

_Anyways, what right does he have to come back home and fuck me up again? Why couldn't he have just stayed where he was? I was doing alright! I had a job, and I was going to move from that shithole, and I was back on track! I was back on track. _

_Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if nothing had happened. I'd have friends, and a boyfriend, and Nene would have gotten married last year at the age of twenty one, and she'd have a small little baby. I'd have a little brother, and we'd live in a nice little house. And chichi-san would come back from work, and he'd shout, " I'm home, kids!" _

_And I wouldn't have insomnia, or cut myself, or be a freak. I wouldn't be suicidal, and….I'd know what it's like to be happy. I'd know what it's like to smile. _

_Sayonara for the last time,_

_Kawatta Itonamei _

_PS I liked that park. Maybe I'll die there. Kinda fitting. _

Yukina closed the book, eyes wide. She had randomly flipped through the book, picking out random passages, and had stopped on the last page written on. Little did she know that that was the last time Kawa had been alive.

Pity couldn't help but writher in her stomach as she read and re-read the page, and she wanted to help the poor girl who fate had frowned down upon.

" What did you do to deserve this, Kawatta?" Yukina muttered to herself sadly, and set the beautiful book down. She decided she would give it back to Hiei-kun when he got back from a meeting with the Reikai Tantei and Koenma.

†††††††††††††

" There's someone I need you to meet. She attempted suicide at…twelve fourty-six last night," Koenma explained to a group of four.

A tall, long, red-headed feminine boy looked at Koenma oddly at the word "attempted," and spoke up.

" If she 'attempted' suicide, why would she be in Spirit World?" he questioned, green eyes glittering with the need for an answer.

" Because she _did _die, but, her ghost…" the ruler stopped, thinking of a way to put the diagnosis in words. " You'll just have to meet her. _Miss Itonamei_…?"


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Kawa cautiously stepped from behind a huge pillar, arms laced together behind her back.

" Yo," she said shortly, and four of the people in the room turned to drink her in.

She wore low slung faded jeans with rips and tears in the legs that rested a few inches past the front of her dark rose colored tee shirt. Her long, hip length chocolate hair was braided and slung over her slouched profile. Crystallized eyes looked out darkly, telling the world she would rather be dead than their examination toy.

" Kawatta, meet the Reikai Tantei, a team of highly appraised fighter I put to—" At this point, Kawa chose to sneeze very loudly, making two of the four snicker loudly, and two of them to smirk.

" Sorry, Prince Diaper, allergies," she said in a voice that was not made for apologies.

" Well, I would appreciate it if you could at least make an attempt to listen to my plans for your life!" Koenma came close to shouting.

" You should have some chairs in here. A corpse's legs could get cramps from standing," Kawa mused, tapping her chin.

" Well, you seem to have come to terms with your death." The smirking inquirer was a tall, feminine teenage…boy, she hoped. He wore his long ruby hair down, and his eyes showed immense wisdom a seventeenyear old should not possess.

" Why shouldn't I have, I mean, it was _self_-mutilation that brought it upon me." Kawa held up her arms and turned them slightly so they all could see the gruesome, life-draining slashes across her wrists.

" Kawa, you will move in with Kurama, under the pretense that you are his cousin, and your parents have recently died. His mother, Shiori's memory will be adapted to believe that. With the consent of Kurama, of course," the toddler added as Kurama's emerald eyes flashed golden.

" Yes, that's all well and cheery, but, we've got a little problem with that bastard still in my house," Kawa spat, eyes gleaming with pure hatred.

" He now has no recollection of ever having another daughter, besides Nene. All he knows is your mother died of lung cancer, and your sister was in a car crash two years ago," Koenma explained, looking thoroughly pleased with his explanation.

Kawa turned to glare at Kurama with a critical eye, and shoved her hand right out at him, startling him. " Nice to meet you, cousin," she said after a moment of close examination.

" Good luck, Kurama,' Yuusuke muttered, and Kawa's hand shot up.

" Um, yes, Kawa?" Koenma said, fearful for the girl's sanity.

" Can I punch him?" she requested loudly.

" YES!" almost everyone shouted, and Yuusuke's jaw dropped open, just in time to be hit by Kawa's fist.

" This could be the start of a beautiful relationship," a boy with curly orange hair and a squashed-pug face sighed, slinging an arm around Kawa's shoulder.

" Get off of me."

* * *

" Oh, dear!" a middle-aged woman cried out sorrowfully, embracing Kawa tightly.

Kurama had taken Kawa past her house only an hour ago to pick her items up, and guided her back to his own home, a very niceplace in the Meiou School district.

" Er, Konnichi-wa, Aunt Shiori," she said awkwardly, returning the hug to the woman.

" Now, Kawatta, you don't_ have_ to restart school for a few days if you don't want to, and Suuichi here can stay home with you, and I tried to take off a little while, because Kami _knows_ you could use some company in the house, and I'm blabbering, aren't I?" she blushed, and Kawa smiled at the polite, sweet woman.

" That's okay, Aunt Shiori, I'll be fine." She set her button and patch covered messenger bag on the ground in the living room, and took a quick look around.

The room was decorated in various shades of blues, emeralds, and reds, and looked quaint, and lived-in. The couch to her right had a burghandy blanket draped across it's jade back, and a redloveseat sat on the wall beside a staircase. An un-used fireplace held captured memories above it's mantel, each showing only four people; Kurama, at various ages, a small boy who Kawa assumed to be Suuichi's stepbrother, a middle aged, happy, smiling man hugging Shiori, and..._herself_.

She gasped involuntarily, and walked over, tracing her fingers over the images, eyes wide in wonder. They were her, alright, and her sister, and her okaa-san. But they weren't fake. She remembered the times the shots had been captured.

The first time she had fallen off a bike, and broken her arm...the time when Nene had been caught making out in the bushes and Kawa had snatched up her camera before the boy had left...a family vacation in Osaka...Nene's prom night, when Kawa had acted as her date...She remembered them all. She felt arms embrace her, and Shiori whispered in her ear," I could never forget my family."

* * *

Sutaru: So?

Hiei: I will admit, thatspark of stupidity in you is slowly fading. But you still suck.

Sutaru: Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me! Review, my darklings, or recieve another chapter, you shall not.

Yoda: Make fun of me, do you?

Sutaru:...yes?

Please stand by while Sutaru gets her ass kicked by an old, one foot tall greeen toad, and Hiei cheers him on.

Hiei: I can't believe I'm saying this, but, review so I can watch Yoda beat her up again.

Sutaru: O.O Help me.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear all, I give you...drum roll...a disclaimer.

Hiei: She don't own jack squat.

Sue:

_

* * *

_

_Dear Nene,_

_Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be dead, but, things didn't work out. _

_Long story short, I did die, but I was resurrected, and now I'm living with this nitwit clean freak Kurama. He smells like roses all the time. Ehh. I now inhabit the down stairs basement, which was reason for Shiori, Kurama's mom, to apologize over and over again. Again. _

_I don't go to Sara High, anymore. I was transferred into the Prep school for…er, preps, Meiou High. I like the black outfits, and got a good laugh at Kurama, who's uniform consisted of pink. It still cracks me up. _

_I don't really know why I'm still alive. I don't want to be, but….I was looking forward to a peaceful death so much. I don't want to deal anymore. Guess I have to. _

_Technically, I'm a ghost, but, my body wouldn't expel me, so, I'm like a hybrid. I can go invisible, transparent, I can go through walls, and hover, or, at least, Koenma says I should be able to. Gotta go, class is changing, but I'll write more later. _

_Sayonara,_

_Kawa_

Kawa growled as Kurama dragged her from her seat and out of the classroom for fifth period and to the lunch room.

" Kurama-kun, can I not just skip?" she moaned, hiding her diary in her satchel and turning around the other way, feet dragging against the ground.

" No, Kawatta, you cannot skip lunch, nor class, nor school," Kurama said sternly, shoving her through the door.

" I don't want to eat, and you are a cold blooded tyrant," Kawa grumbled, picking up a tray. " Can we at least eat out side?"

Kurama contemplated the notion and sighed, nodding. Kawa giggled and clapped retardedly, earning raised eyebrows from the nearest tables. She ran ahead of Kurama and out of the doors, stopping and looking up a large, shady sakura tree. She placed her tray in the crook of two low lying branches and hoisted her self up the trunk, sitting on a thick branch overlooking the patch of grass Kurama chose to sit on.

" I really hate you," Kawa said absent mindedly as she watched the Kitsune place his silverware gently aside and push the touching foods on his plate apart as if he had OCD.

" And I have Sakura petals in my ass."

" That was a lovely piece of information," an amused someone said, and Kawa shrieked, falling out of the tree and landing in Kurama's lap, staring up at Hiei, who had taken her food.

" You guys are all freaks," she muttered, squeezing Kurama's miso soup from her hair and glaring at Hiei, who was eating her pocky.

" Says the girl who's supposed to be dead," Hiei retorted, and the teenager stood up, giving him her meanest glare from frosty gray eyes. " What is that supposed to scare me?" he questioned, amused, and she plopped down, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.

* * *

" I hope you realize how much I really don't wanna be here," she said, picking a piece of noodle up off of Kurama's tray and spooning it into her mouth.

" You really don't have a choice. You're supposed to stay with one of ours until, a), you're alive again, or b), you have Koenma's permission to be let go," Kurama explained, handing Kawa his bowl of soup, making her face light up.

" Whatever, thanks," she smiled hurriedly, pouring the broth down her throat as if she had gone without food for forever.

†††††††††††††

Much to her displeasure, a very bubbly, and chipper girl by the name of Botan had been bent on the intent of taking Kawa out shopping once she had returned home.

" No."

" Please?"

" No."

" Please?"

" If you do not stop, I will be forced to put a white-hot poker to your skin and watch you bleed," Kawa growled in response, eye twitching.

Botan backed away, but did not give up. " You need something to wear, and I volunteered to take you out around the town!"

" Only 'cuz none of us wanted to," Yuusuke added under his breath, and Kawa punched him out once more.

" **_If I agree, will you stop poking me_**!" Kawa screamed, tackling the grim reaper and sitting atop her stomach.

Botan nodded happily, and Kawa rolled away, not bothering to offer the girl a hand up as she stood.

Kawa paled as she was jerked out of the house and raced down the street behind an eager Botan, dodging people who had not yet moved out of the way. " I succumbed to my death," she muttered as the ferry-girl stopped outside of an entirely pink boutique shop.

†††††††††††††

" So, how was it?" Kurama asked expectantly as Kawa slammed the door shut, throwing her huge shopping bags on the ground.

"…I hate her….Ever so much. I wish she would die."

" Kawatta, she's Death."

" I WAS JUST BEING FIGURATIVE, FOX-BOY! THANKS FOR RUINING THE NICE, STEAMY HATE I HAD WORKED UP!"

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REVIEW! I want six reviews before the nextchapter. I know, I'm evil.


	7. Chapter 7

Kawa's Journal 7

_Dear Nene,_

_This is later. These people feel the need to surround me 24/7, and they are just the rag-tag-est group of freaks I have ever met. But it_ is_ amusing to watch Hiei and Kuwabara engage in a battle of wits, in which Kuwabara is _never_ prepared. _

_At least I have friends now. _

_Forgot to mention that my appearance has been changed. I look weird. It's so no one recognizes me. _

_I have long, brown, midlength hair, I'm 5'1", a very short and sucky height—I'm shorter than Hiei _and _his hair, and I have hazel eyes. My nationality now looks American. I'm afraid of Americans--an awesome song, by the way, by David Bowie and Trent Reznor, and, quite frankly, I look like a slut. _

_To my disgrace, Yuusuke and Kuwabara both huskily agree, though it's fun to see Keiko, Yuusuke's should-be-kinda-friend-since-childhood-and-I-really-mean-friend girlfriend hit them both. _

_Speaking of oddities (says the hypocrite), the other day I made the huge mistake of trying to take Hiei's ice cream. Big no-no. I think he broke my hand, but I can't be sure because I smashed it earlier punching Kuwabara and it had been numb for the time. I swear the way that midget swings around that little toothpick it's a wonder he hasn't poked out one of his three eyes, let alone anyone else's normal two. _

_Oh, I forgot to tell you? HIEI HAS THREE EYES! Apparently, that little bandana isn't just a bad fashion statement; it also conceals his third, purple eye. Oh, yeah. Red eyes aren't demonic, excuse the pun, enough, this little freak show has a purple pupil smack dab on his forehead! _

_Screw it. _Why does this come as a surprise to me?_ I frequently ask myself as I lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, cursing, as an afterthought, my insomnia. _

_I have no idea. _

_Sayonara,_

_A Very Confused and Tired,_

_Kawatta_

Kawa shut her journal and looked up at Shiori making dinner, humming lightly.

"Need any help, Auntie Shiori?" she asked politely, standing up. The woman smiled a beautiful grin and waved Kawa over with a "Sure!"

Never having cooked with her mother before, the ghost hanyou was very out of place, as she usually bought things that could be microwaved quite easily with only having to take the wrapper off left to Kawa.

"Dear, you can cut the vegetables," Shiori nodded, watching as Kawa fumbled with taking things out of the fridge and dropping the fish. Apparently, Kurama's mother had no qualms about giving Kawa a knife.

"Hello, mother, Kawatta," Kurama said, surprised, staring at Kawa. Shiori hugged her son and pecked him on the cheek, a smile brightening her features.

_I wish my family embraced me like that. Like…no matter what, they'd always love me, _Kawa found herself thinking, and her eyes teared slightly.

"Are you crying, Kawatta-chan?" Shiori asked, concerned, and the girl shook her head furiously.

"Naw, it's just the onions," she shrugged off lightly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

Shiori nodded, but she knew that there were no onions in the kitchen.

"Okay, nitwit, focus," a two-foot tall, raspy voiced, wrinkly woman demanded, striking Kawa upside the skull.

The blonde hissed, rubbing the spot, and scooted away from the Reiki master named Genkai, who looked as though she had been around since the stone-age. For the entire third weekend in a row Kawa sat outside, through heat, rain and cold, being trained by the hag to access her ghost powers.

Lately the intense urge to throw the woman down her 500 some steps had been all Kawa had been able to focus on.

"Concentrate on a ball of white light and—" Genkai started, but Kawa interrupted her.

"Don't I get a piss break, Grandma?" she said loudly, and Genkai rolled her eyes.

"You have one minute," she grumbled, taking a cigarette out and lighting it.

Kawa clapped and leapt up, stretching her small body out by bending backwards.

"Fifty-six, fifty-five…" Genkai counted aloud, and the girl scowled, taking off.

"This is the stupidest thing to have ever happened to me," she muttered, turning the corner and sliding down the wooden pillar. She turned her watch to her pulse so she could look at it, the hands crossing as she stared.

_Will I ever die? _She asked herself, looking up at the cloudy sky. _If I'm a ghost, how will I know when or how I'm supposed to move on? Will I ever move on? _Kawa stood up and counted down the seconds until the hands crossed once more, and turned the corner once more, a fake grin on her American-looking face.

"God, I think my belt fits better!" she announced loudly, making Genkai roll her eyes.

"Okay, once _again_, focus on a ball of glowing light."

Behind her eyes, a circle of pure, violet color appeared in a backdrop of black, pulsing.

"Got it? Now reach out and hold onto the ball. It may burn, it may be freezing cold, and it may try to blow you back, but hold onto it."

With invisible arms Kawa reached out and clutched at the ball, fingers quickly growing numb, and it brought to mind holding onto a snow ball with no gloves.

"Pluck at it, as if it were wrapped in thread, and you're trying to unroll it."

String upon string fell away from the object, and the burning cold sensation increased, making Kawa start to draw back her fingers.

"This is where you let go!" Genkai said sharply, and Kawa stopped her actions, wincing. "Now bring the pure core forward to your chest and tighten your grip until it cracks."

With an unfeeling hand the teenager obeyed, and the energy slowly crushed against her body, revealing one, glossy, hair-thin cord.

"You should see a thread, as fine as a hair, stretched out in front of you. With one finger, pull on the hair, but ever so slightly, and _don't break it_!"

With a gently touch, Kawa touched the string, and it resonated, twirling into a blur of white-gray.

"Good. Now open your eyes."

AS instructed, the living dead girl let her eye lids fly open, and looked down at her hands. Or, at least, she tried. She had gone transparent.


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Nene,_

_I did it! I was finally able to access my ghost powers! (victory dance)…Sorry about that._

_I've been working on flying, and my most basic fighting skills with the boys: swordsmanship with Hiei, distance and Spirit Energy battle with Kurama, hand-to-hand combat with Yuusuke, and Kuwabara is my personal punching bag! _

_That last part makes me happy. _

_For the first time, I…I can remember, or, at least know what a mother feel like, thanks to Shiori. She's such a nice woman. It's little things, like giving me allowance, even though she needs the money, like I really am one of her children, and asking me how my day was, and kissing me on the forehead and talking to me. _

_It makes me feel good, like I'm important, and I know no other feeling can ever prepare to combat that…that love. It's like hearing your favorite song played on the radio, and unconsciously singing along, or seeing your best friend and saying it felt like forever, even though it had been a few days, in reality. _

_I don't want to lie to her; to tell her I'm her niece, and fake the loss of my parents, but, she'd never believe the truth. I don't know how Kurama can keep the façade of a normal, caring son, seeing what he's lying to her about almost every week. _

_Is it better to expose the one's you love to the truth to protect them, even though they'd be shattered, or let them stay happy in oblivion? Is it better to hurt yourself with a lie, or hurt others with the truth?_

_Sayonara,_

_Kawa_

"Kawa, come on!" Yukimura Keiko shouted out, and Kawa looked up, placing her journal aside, to see her holding onto the tail of a kite, Yukina and Botan beside her, holding back their skirts and hair in the wind. Kawa smiled at them and stood up, dashing across the green hill to join the girls.

They were at a small picnic in the park on a sunny afternoon day, enjoying the beautiful weather just before the summer heat. Atsuko, Yuusuke's mother, Shiori, Kurama's stepbrother Shuichi, Shizuru, Genkai, and even Koenma (in a new, better looking teenage form) had joined the Reikai Tantei, and all had been sure to hide the alcohol from Atsuko.

But it seems she had already gotten drunk before attending, and was belting Pat Benatar at the top of her lungs, off key at that.

"Your turn," declared Yukina, a small ice apparition with teal hair and blood red eyes, like Hiei's (she just didn't use them to glare at people).

Kawa took ahold of the tail of the red kite and shrugged, running down the hill as fast as she could, and let the instrument go, watching it rip through the wind and rise feet upon feet.

_That looks like fun, _she thought dreamily, and, on a whim, let herself unravel, disappearing from the ground and flying up to th kite level. But something felt different; her mind set had changed, like her thoughts, actions, emotions weren't hers anymore. She felt absolutely terrified as she looked down through cloud and saw her friends on the ground, looking for her. But, someone was missing.

Keiko.


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear Nene,_

_Keiko's gone. She's lost inside me. _

_I was running with a kite a few days ago, and I transformed, but when I closed my solid mind and opened up my ghost, she was taken in, and now I can't find her. _

_Everyone's furious with me. And I just feel so bad. _

_I know that I really didn't know her that much, but she was nice to me. She didn't make little, rude jokes like Yuusuke does about me, and she doesn't—didn't avoid me. _

_But, none of the others can beat me up as much as I can about it. _

_Hiei's searched my mind with his Jagan, but it hasn't worked yet, and I've used up all my aspirin. _

_I just feel plain miserable. _

_We told Shiori, because she doesn't know about the Reikai Tantei thing, that Keiko got a call on her cell phone and had to take off to Hiroshima to attend to her grandmother. Yet another lie I have to maintain in the eyes of that poor woman. _

_Even Kurama seems disappointed, like a parent would. Yuusuke gave me a black eye the first night, and knocked me out with a punch to the gut (Kurama seemed disappointed in him too), Kuwabara _looked _like he wanted to do the same, Kurama just showed his extreme disappointment in me, Genkai won't talk to me, Botan keeps bursting out in sobs. I think Hiei was the only one who didn't express an emotion, but I could tell he felt _some_thing about this thing. _

_I've meditated and had to surpass my level of consciousness' power so I can search for Keiko, but I can never find her. _

_I can't eat, I barely speak anymore, and if I had been able to sleep in the first place, I'm sure as hell I wouldn't be able to now. _

_Have I said how bad I feel? _

_But Shiori notices something. She knows Kurama and I have been awfully quiet, and that I don't eat. She sees how much aspirin I've been taking after Hiei searches me. _

_I so want to come clean. I don't want to lie any longer. But I'm afraid I have to. I'm too afraid of everything. _

_Sayonara,_

_Kawa_

Kawa pulled her knees to her chest and rested her cheek on the wall, willing herself not to cry. If no one else could find Keiko, it was up to her. But where was she supposed to go? When could this kind of thing happened before, and if it had, where could information like this be archived?

"Why couldn't I have just died?" she found herself asking aloud. She averted her gaze to the pale, thin scars on her arms, the only remainder from a life she had tried to destroy, but had backfired. She hated these feelings in her stomach and still having breath to keep words trapped in her throat and die on her tongue, to be buried by her mind as topics not worthy of discussions.

"Kawatta?" someone called out, and she let her knees go so her legs lay out in front of her.

"Go away, Kurama. You might as well pull a Genkai and stop attempting to speak to me," she cried sadly, closing her eyes.

"Stop that pouting; I'm not going to give my shoulder out to cry on," the someone snapped, and she opened her eyes.

"Hiei?" she asked, and the shadows through the window shifted so she could see the demon sitting in the sill, as dark as the braches of the tree outside so very much that he blended in.

"I as well as killed someone," she said in protest to his silent demand for her to stop.

"And a little blood on anyone's hands destroyed their reason. I see what you're so concerned about," the apparition rolled his eyes, sarcasm dripping from his words.

"Bastard," she muttered.

"Baka onna," he retorted.

"I am no where near stupid! The move I made was foolish, I'll admit, but my intelligence plays no part in this, Hiei!" she snarled.

"If you put as much energy into finding Yukimura as you do arguing with me, you might be able to find her," he said, as though his advice was as important as gold.

"And what of you? You weren't able to find her, Mr.All-Mighty-and-Powerful," she rolled her eyes.

"I never said that my abilities were greater than anyone else's, I'm just stronger than you."

"I don't have to listen to this," Kawa said loudly, and stood up, walking off.

"Try to sleep tonight is my only advice," Hiei muttered just loud enough for her to hear, just as she slammed her door. Whether she heard or listened was not his problem.


	10. Chapter 10

Dream

_Kawa stood on a small moor in the middle of nowhere, her surrounding environment made of different shades of gray. _

Where am I?_ she thought absently. Rocks surrounded her on every side, but built a wall on her left, stone sinking far into the gray and brown dirt, weeds and dead grass sprouting from the base. The sound of water splashing around met her ears and soothed her question quiet. _

_Dark fog stretched as far as she could see in all directions, tendrils curling around her legs and arms, as if welcoming her to a private fold. Looking up she saw the same violet ball of light that she held onto in Meditation, dancing in the air wildly, as if beckoning her to follow it. _

_Zooming along it cast even more shadows with its light, and Kawa inched along in the fog, one hand on the wet, slimy wall. The Energy led her to a large opening where a door would have gone. Instead of stone or metal or wood to protect from intruders, the most beautiful rainbow flowed down like water, dissipating into the fog that covered the ground. _

_Kawa reached out to touch the illuminated crimson closest to the wall, but the color actually jumped out, mixing with a little yellow to create a deep red-orange aura that consumed her, tugging her closer and closer to the maze inside. _

_She cried out and protested, trying to turn back, but stopped as the most lilting melody was striked up. It was a mournful piece that made her stop and sway to the beat, all attempts of escaping completely desolated from her mind. _

_Words accompanied the tune, and even though she had never heard it in her life, Kawa found herself singing along. _

_How could I ever go back…?  
Back to the life where I lived amongst the dead  
Those who have forgotten how to feel  
And become slaves to memory and wishful thinking  
As you awaken every star that has been sleeping in the constellation of my soul  
How could I go back to live amongst the dead  
Those who imprisoned beauty  
I never want to leave your arms  
So I wait in hope for your embrace  
Illusions of what I thought was love  
Now I have clear sight to see that I have left nothing behind…_

_The colors had completely consumed her and her ball of purple Energy, which shivered and shaked as if to get the Red off of it, and they were completely inside the translucent Rainbow, where the music was faintest. As the tune faded lightly, Kawa cried out, the lyrics falling in her throat, as if the sound was directly linked to her pain increase. _

_The Energy flew forward and slammed into her shoulder, leaving frost on her black attire, as if saying, "You do not need the music." She stopped her whimpering, looking like a child who had been scolded, and bowed her head, re-emerging on the other side, still glowing slightly. Dappled dots of deep orange splashed her shoulders as the Energy shook off once more and nudged her forward along the rune-graphitized walls in the same, moving and dancing rainbow colors that never stayed put. _

_With gentle fingertips Kawa touched the wall, and found some places to feel like the heat from a fire; just the right, toasty temperature, and other places to feel like cool, icy water running in one, solid, gentle stream. The walls folded out and back to fit like a mold over Kawa's hand and she snapped it back, surprised. She felt…life. The pulsing of thousands of hearts pounding like the beat of drums, soft and yet firm at the same time. _

_With a 'nod' from her Energy, she tentatively touched the rune covered stone, then pushed herself through, squeezing her eyes closed tightly. _

"_This is what you wish would die out in you, no?" a chilling voice asked in a coo, echoing among the walls so loudly she could barely hear the words, let alone pinpoint the direction it came from. _

"_No. I wish to find my friend." For the first time since her cry, Kawa had found her voice not to fail her, coming out loud and confident. _

"_Ah, the girl you delivered here the other day. Her blood was beautiful; very crisp. It produced the melody you so easily succumb to," the voice purred, the feeling of ecstasy leaking through the words. "Veins of Glass, you told me to give her. Now she glooows so beautifully, as the centerpiece!"_

_Kawa faulted in her stance, heart skipping a beat, stomach twisting in painful sailor knots. _

"_Yes, Veins of Glass….She glows…."_

_With a deep, steadying breath, Kawa closed her eyes and asked, "When did I give you these instructions?" _

"_Yesterday, Master Garasu. In the wind…" The ghost hybrid could hear the smile in the voice, and she growled deep throated. The Energy that glowed s bright faded with pulses, growing dimmer until it disappeared. The aura around grew stuffier and thicker until a sweep of wind turned the orange aura into a case of glass, distorting, with ripples and bubbles, her vision which was spiraling black anyways. _

"_Veins of Glass give life to the Castle of the Inaudible Melody….Thicker than blood and water…." _


	11. Chapter 11

"Kurama! Open up, Kurama!" demanded Kawa, shaking the wooden door terribly until dust fell from the frame. The kitsune, looking thoroughly agitated and still half asleep, ripped the door back to stop the girl, eyes dull with the hour of four in the morning.

"Why are you getting me up at this hour? Is anyone up at this hour? Why are _you_ up at this hour?" he demanded through a yawn.

"I usually am, now listen!" Kawa dragged him back in his room and sat him down on his bed, her self in his desk chair. "I have insomnia, so I can't sleep, but last night I did, and I had a dream." She hit the boy upside the head to wake him up and continued.

"I was on this swamp-ish thingy and my Meditation Ball--you know, little glowy purple thing?—was there. Kinda like a Tinkerbelle of my twisted mind. But guarding the door was this rainbow, like water, and it grabbed me.

"I heard this _beautiful _song, and I stopped resisting. Then I walked through the wall, which had runic carvings on it, and I heard this voice. It coupled the sound of, like, a _thousand _beating hearts. Pulses.

"The voice asked me if the beating heart was what I wanted to die out in me. I said I was looking for my friend, but he said I had brought her there; said he had given her Veins of Glass. That I had told him to.

"Then _my_ aura turned to glass, and the Voice whispered, 'Veins of Glass give life to the Castle of Inaudible Melody, thicker than blood and water…'"


End file.
